Bad Eats
by Shenandoah Risu
Summary: "Just because your recipe has only two ingredients doesn't mean you should botch it like this." A crack!fic crossover with GOOD EATS.


**Title: Bad Eats  
Author: Shenandoah Risu  
Rating**: G  
**Content Flags**: Crossover with "Good Eats" from Food Network.  
**Warning**: Crack!Fic  
**Spoilers**: none  
**Word Count**: around 990  
**Summary**:_ "Just because your recipe has only two ingredients doesn't mean you should botch it like this."  
_**Characters**: Alton Brown, The Destiny Crew  
**Author's Notes**: Written for the LJ Comm stargateland Writing Challenge 10: _Fancy meeting you here_  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own SGU or Good Eats. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Now, Young... Young I'd know what to do with. ;-) And Alton would be lost in my kitchen (Sorry, buddy, it's a lard-free zone.)  
**Thanks for reading! Feedback = Love. ;-)**

**oOo**

**Bad Eats**

Nobody knew exactly what had happened. They were wolfing down their dinner rations in the mess hall when a bright sparkling spot appeared in the middle of the room; there was a flash of light, and suddenly, there he was: a bespectacled middle-aged man with blond hair, wearing a metal colander with various kitchen gadgets, some of which rotated like radio dishes.

He glanced around, somewhat befuddled, and then pointed at Becker who carried a stack of used dishes.

"You! Which way to the studio?"

Becker blinked and dropped the dishes.

"Oh my goodness, it's Alton Brown," TJ gasped.

The man smiled and removed his ridiculous headgear.

"Yes, I am," he nodded, "Now, I seem to have gotten lost – which way to the studio? Well, don't all stare at me – can anybody show me the way?"

Suddenly several guns were pointed at him and he raised his hands in shock: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't write this scene! What's going on?"

Vanessa waved at the military contingent. "Relax, guys, he's weird but harmless."

She stuck out her hand and Brown shook it, still looking very confused.

Lisa did the same. "How did you get here, Mr. Brown? I'm a big fan of your show, although I might add you could do a few more vegetarian dishes every once in a while. I mean, all that bacon and lard? Yecch."

And then a huge brouhaha broke out with everyone talking at once, shaking the man's hand and speculating on how he came to be on the Destiny.

"It's supposed to be a prop that 'teleports' me to my local supermarket," Brown pointed at his gadget-laden colander, "but I'm guessing my props people got a little too ambitious and wired something wrong… so where am I, exactly?"

Another commotion broke out as everyone tried to explain at once, and eventually Dr. Rush managed to get in a word edgewise.

"All right, all right," Brown finally said, not the least bit fazed by the news, "If it got me here it will also get me back, I assume."

"Sir, since you are here, could you maybe do a little show for us?" Volker spread his hands. "We don't have much, but we could all learn something, I'm sure."

Brown pursed his lips. "Very well, then. One dish."

A loud cheer erupted, at last bringing in the rest of the personnel from the ship.

"So, what's for dinner?"

Scott held out his bowl. "Protein slop."

"Ah, yes," Brown rubbed his chin, "The ubiquitous spacefaring – fare. May I?"

Scott nodded and Brown dipped his finger into the mix and licked it off, wincing in disgust.

"Oh my stars, that's dreadful. People, people, just because your recipe only has two ingredients doesn't mean you should botch it like this. Follow me."

He stepped behind the counter as everyone crowded around him, and Brody handed him two bowls, a measuring cup of protein mix and a jug of water.

Young gestured at Eli who promptly brandished his SmartPhone and began filming the event.

"So here we are – _Protein Slop for Unwilling Travelers_. Behold our ingredients: Water. Powder. Let's see what NOT to do. – Ummm… I need a sock puppet. Preferably with a hole. Anybody got one?"

Young actually blushed as Camile gave him a level stare, but he quickly pulled off his boot and handed his sorry excuse for a sock to Brown who glared back in indignation. "You need to play the sock puppet, too." Young blanched, and Greer came to the rescue, sticking out his hand.

"Sir?"

Young sighed with relief and handed him the sock. Greer turned to Brown. "Okay, now what?"

Brown indicated an expanding volume with his hands. "You play the protein powder as it gets rehydrated."

Greer nodded and stood ramrod straight next to him, the sock scrunched up in his fist.

"All right," Brown picked up the narrative again. "Here's what not to do: powder first, then water on top. The water will only reach the outer layer of powder, causing it to clump and making for lumpy slop." He clasped Greer's fist with both hands. "See? Nasty slop. Thank you, Sergeant. Now, the right way."

He poured water into the bowl, then grabbed a fork and began stirring.

"One must always set the liquid into motion before adding the solids. Then, using a thin steady stream of powder, combine the two ingredients. Since now every granule of slop mix has all-around contact with the water, watch what happens."

Greer slowly opened his fist and Young's sock blossomed out of it.

Everyone cheered.

Brown shushed them all, kept stirring and mixing, and finally poured the mix into another bowl.

"Behold, my reluctant culinary friends – perfect protein slop: as smooth as a well-done rue, viscous like glue and not a lump in sight!"

Thundering applause followed, Greer handed Young his sock and Brown passed the bowl around and everyone was in agreement – it was the best protein slop ever.

"Well, my dears, with all the commercials I only have about 20 minutes for this show, so I'm afraid I must take my leave. Remember: slow and steady, and stir-stir-stir!"

And with that he put on his colander helmet again and twisted the whisk over his right ear, and then he disappeared in a coruscating shower of glowing matter.

Everyone stared at Rush who raised his hands.

"Nope, we can't use the colander to get back to Earth either… Looks like it's one in, one out."

And so they went back to their own bowls of slop, vowing to give Becker a hand in the future – anything to prevent the frightful protein powder sock puppet from making another smelly appearance.

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_**Wow - you just read some Crack!Fic... Now, how about a comment?** **Or a love letter to Alton Brown. Your choice.**_ :)

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